5 Reasons Why Salads Are Manly
"For salad-loving males, dinner dates and sexual frustration go hand-in-hand.” - Any Salad Loving Male
Have you ever eaten kale while your female date enjoyed a bacon hamburger sandwich? It’s excruciating. And it’s not that you don’t like the occasional collard. No, just the opposite. But, something in her eye prevents you from loving it. Some look between abject disgust and unrelenting pity.
You got a salad.
And, to be honest, your date ended at that point. You could have asked about marriage, insulted her family, or even brought out your cat hair collection - the result would have been the same. The date was over.
But why does that happen? Why do salads make women uncomfortable and men feel instantly emasculated?
The problem lies in a pervasive, yet flawed belief: salads are not manly.
Today, we divide foods into two categories. Some dishes - like steaks, hamburgers, and barbecue-flavored hard candy - are considered “masculine”. Other, generally healthier, dishes are given to the realm of women. And though this has been a boon for the current boyfriends of my former romantic-interests; it also has limited millions of men around the world from eating better.
It’s time to fight back. Here are 5 reasons why salads are manly.
1. Salads are the only food you can toss.
Have you ever tried to toss a steak? A hamburger? Ribs? No, you haven’t. Because that’s disgusting. But what should a man do if he wants to toss around a food-item with his son, and then eat that thing that he’s tossed?
The answer is called a salad.
2. Women want men that look good.
Unsurprisingly, women tend to like men who are physically and mentally fit. Eating leafy greens is a huge step towards both of those goals. Research has shown that eating leafy greens speeds up our metabolism, reduces mental aging, and helps men build muscle mass. And yes, this did just link to bodybuilding.com.
3. Kale rhymes with Male.
Sometimes things are so obvious they go without explanation. Nonetheless, have you ever wondered why persimmons are such feminine fruit?
I rest my case.
4. Arugula is a natural aphrodisiac.
I’m not going to say this is the reason I started eating salad. But, at the age of 11, I was rather sexually frustrated. I also didn’t eat much arugula. At age 19, I finally connected the dots.
Seriously though, research has shown that many of the ingredients in salads do increase your sex drive. Romance is extremely manly; and so, before you go off to buy that three piece sailor costume, think about reinvesting in something more practical.
A salad. And a two-piece sailor costume.
5. The manliest men are independent.
Men often avoid one of the healthiest foods on earth - the salad- because it seen as not "masculine”. But, is it manly to do what others say simply because it is the majority opinion? Real men make decisions on their own. Real men ask for leafy greens.
So, what will you do when your female companion orders that large, bacon-burger?
Be a man. Get a salad.